What follows is my grief poured into words…

My Dear Lewis,

I wish I had reached out more often. I wish I was better at inviting you over for dinner. I wish we had hung out more. You are gone and my heart hurts. Gone. I want to text you and hear your voice in the reply, as you know I do. Gone. I want another hug… always another hug. Because then this wouldn’t be real. Your gone and I want… To hear you laugh. To hear the sarcasm in your voice as you joke and as we make fun of each other. I want to talk adamantly about hockey with you because we’ll never agree that the Avalanche are better than the Islanders. I want to try the different scotch’s and whiskey’s you’d find and bring over… not that my pallet liked me trying but now that’s what I want… one more drink with you.

You gave selflessly. You made me laugh when I desperately needed it. I don’t think I ever thanked you for the comfort you gave me all these years. The nights at Denny’s when I couldn’t/wouldn’t eat and instead just bounced up and down in the booth. You never minded being the third wheel all those months as Scott and I started our relationship and it eased my mind you being there as I wasn’t ready. The many times of letting Scott borrow your car even the crazy early morning times. The timeshare in Vail. The Peacemakers show when I was an emotional wreak and got horribly sick in your car. The countless pool games you tried to teach me and you never got frustrated at my poor form. I wish we had hung out more in recent years besides the yearly parties at our house, Peacemakers shows and sporadic sushi nights. 

I want you back, I want to tell you all these things and how much you mean to me. How much of an indent you made on my life. I wish I had known you were sick, I wish I’d spoken to you and gone all momma-like and scolded you into going to the hospital. Not that your stubbornness would have listened. This sucks. I’m so angry at this stupid virus and at society for allowing it to get this far. I’m tired of hearing it isn’t that bad, it’s not that big of a deal… we’re young it doesn’t affect us. IT DOES, DAMN IT! You’re gone. I want more time. You deserved more time. You deserved to find the girl who would love you harder than you loved her. I’m pretty sure she would have been the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you my friend, I miss you and I’ll strive to give selflessly like you.

Please don’t be… I wish you weren’t… Gone.

Always,

Corrine

Sunrise in all its glory

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This morning I was lucky enough and awake enough to watch the sunrise with Scott. We both stood outside admiring the beauty in all the detail. Every shape, every shadow, every color… a canvas being painted right before our eyes.

It makes me imagine each of us as a painting as we each day add layer and detail to the canvas that is us. Not all days can be perceived in the moment as beauty and there are definitely details that maybe we wish we didn’t have but that’s the wonder of adding to our canvas each day… each of those lines of color… light and dark… make a beautiful portrait.

Today I’ll add life and love and some more coffee to mine.

Happy First Cups

Today’s coffee is a mixture of chores to get done and the struggles of being a parent of a strong-willed high school student in the midst of hybrid learning.

Started out being able to sleep in today and then kept going with laundry and cat snuggles while I watched a show.

The teen came home after texting me in the parking lot of school saying she’s had anxiety all day and not sure why. After she got home I tried to talk to her about it. I tried offering to take her to lunch, I offered a mountain drive. I tried asking her about her classes today. All of which she was emotional and combatant about.

My job since leaving the workforce has been to help her navigate school. Her first 2 years of high school sucked. From a horrible teacher freshman year that made her doubt herself and how smart she was to last years physical up and downs. I felt like I had failed her and didn’t advocate enough for her to help her through it with the demands of retail management. Her grades had tanked. My bright student in elementary school and middle school that was on honor roll now struggled to get passing grades.

This year it was going to be different. I’m home and here for her. So, her and I came up with a system. A check and balance of sorts with a planner for her and one for me. She let me know assignments and when tests were and then when things got turned in she’d show me. I color coded classes so it was easy to know what was due on each day for which class and I had markers that then I checked off her assignments as she turned them turned in.

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Seemed to work the first month… she had A’s and B’s (even in her AP courses) except Algebra 2 since she tanked a test… but we had a system in place to help her do better on the next one.

The second month she started to show missing assignments on Infinite Campus… the platform the school uses… all assignments she never told me about. And try as hard as I might I can’t seem to get the truth from her as to what is going on.

Last week we sat down and looked at all missing assignments and wrote them down along with all current items. We had a plan of how things were getting done. As all good plans it fell by the wayside from an unexpected day of work to boyfriend issues to physical issues.

Bring today… her day she was going to do things since she doesn’t work today. And I see she has new missing assignments… yep. So we’ve been combating on and off for 3 hours now. Tears on both sides. As of now her grades continue to tank… although Algebra is getting better… so close to not being a D.

I wish I could say this was a new issue since the pandemic but really this is just life. The new hybrid model is hard and does play a part in this but that isn’t our main issue. I struggle wanting my kid back. The one who was so intent on going to an ivy league school and now I’m not sure she can get into any 4 year college. She’s not that person anymore. She’s insistent she’s going to a 4 year out of state college but with a 2.6 GPA… I keep hoping she finds that passion and spark again.

I’m now sitting in my bedroom (in my new chair we bought this weekend) with tears as I write this as she’s at her spot at the diningroom table converted to school zone… because her desk is too small to spread out… as she’s sniffling and crying maybe doing schoolwork.

All I keep wondering is when she leaves us and goes on her own… is this what she’ll remember… tears and fights about homework… since I wasn’t around much for her younger years. I know the answer is No. I know this won’t be all she’ll remember.

Hugs my friends, I know each of us has struggles and it may seem tough sometimes but we can get through it…

One coffee at a time.

Today’s coffee is in preparation for dumpster diving… ok, not really… dumpster playing… hmm, dumpster walking… that’s more like it.

Scott ordered a dumpster for us to get rid of several items that have been piling up on the side of the house and for the pieces that we couldn’t donate from our old bedroom set.

So today I feel mischievous and excited to play in a dumpster… that isn’t gross and filled with yuck.

Happy first cups

Today’s 2nd cup accompanies my breakfast… zucchini bread.

I’ve been up for a couple hours now…remember how I said it takes me awhile to want food.

Although I would’ve sat cozy with my second cup and bread earlier but I wanted to get the chicken thawing for tonight’s Chicken Marsala. The kid asked for me to make a breakfast sammich… so I made both her and Scott one. While I was waiting for those to cook I put away dishes and then reloaded the dishwasher.

Now, zucchini bread… mmm.

And coffee…

Happy First Cups

Sometimes I think humans should come with signs… mine would say… Distracted Easily. I’m sure a few others too including Insert Coffee to Function Properly… ha, not sure I function properly even with coffee.

What was I saying? Ah, yes… distracted easily. So, today’s first cup had a weird taste, Scott had opened a new bag yesterday… opened 2 more new bags today… strange smell… like the roast is off….Called Caribou left a message. Decided to strip the bedding, and start washing… oh and go to the garage… see how many new pillows are still in the bin so I can order new pillows and sheets. Start washing bedding got distracted and called my mom. Moved the Halloween bins to get to the bin of Blankets… hmmm, maybe I should start on that today. No, bedding… yes, need to order new sheets. Sit on couch next to laptop…ah, but I need coffee…. go get that. Cup in hand back downstairs… oh, the washer is almost done. I’ll just wait for it so be done and looks at phone… 30 minutes later realize I should move the laundry after getting sidetracked and needing to tell the kid about my cousin and his broken leg. Sits back on couch… blog post… you should do that. Blog post now is ramblings of my mind in a nutshell… lol, just laughed out loud to that because I feel like a squirrel today.

Ever wonder what would happen if you went down every rabbit hole your brain threw at you in a day? 2 hours of it and I’m pooped.

Happy Mid morning cups

Cups 1 and 2 before sunrise on our way to Children’s Hospital. Today is our 4 to 5 hour appointment with the pain clinic. We have no hopes for this appointment and really we’re just knocking it off the list. Ashlynn is able to manage her pain. Last Fall… not so much…but now she can and does. Everyone we’ve seen this year has asked if we’ve been to the pain clinic. So we’re doing our due diligence. 

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Here’s hoping today’s coffee brings at least another avenue to try to find the root cause of the kiddos joint issues.

Happy First Cups

No insight this morning my friends… just a cup.

Happy Mid-morning cups

Morning snuggles with the Meow… one of my favorite ways to be cozy.

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This morning she was very impatient with her meows waiting for me to give her attention. After playing with her and her fish (she has several toys but the fish is really the only one she cares about). Anyway, after playtime I got myself cozy on the couch and of course she was ready to be cozy too.

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We’re now all snuggly on the couch… I’m going to feel very bad when I get up to move the laundry… hopefully another human will be up by then.

Happy first cups

I went to write and commune in nature this morning on the deck. It’s a beautiful Autumn morning… not too cold, no frost but cold enough that my breath is visible. The leaves are just starting to turn on our big tree in the back yard… just a few slight changes to yellow and some are starting to scatter to the ground. I love the smell of Autumn. It’s earthy. I didn’t stay outside long, enough to grab this picture. The smoke from the fires in the Northern part of the state make the air a haze of ash and burn my eyes.

So today’s coffee is spent listening to instrumental music with beautiful Autum scenes on the TV while I wake up enough to continue with the great furniture build.

Happy Autumn morning my friends and Happy First Cups