Ever hurt yourself and someone tells you something like, ‘I can punch you and then it won’t hurt as bad.’ Or something to that effect. Never meant as a serious thing and just a saying, right? Ha, ok… here’s my anecdote.
Last night while cooking dinner I felt something dig into my foot. I’m guessing it’s a piece of glass. The closest I can guess is that I had broken a Christmas goblet candle holder while packing the last of Christmas dishes a couple weeks ago. I tried to salvage it by supergluing it back together. Maybe there was a sliver that made it on the floor… and maybe that sliver evaded the broom, dustpan and vacuum which have all been done several times since. After trying to dig it out with tweezers I opted for black salve and a bandaid and went back to finishing dinner… limping, trying not to step on that part of the foot.
I finished up dinner and as I was getting the broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken out of the oven the baking sheet tipped and fell and got stuck between the door and the oven. Still have no clue how that happened. Trying to salvage dinner and get the pan unstuck I grabbed the baking sheet with my gloved hand and grabbed the other side with my ungloved hand. I became British as I burned two of my fingers. Scott comes running knowing something is wrong because I only yell like a Brit when I really hurt myself. So he salvaged the chicken while I nursed my burns. I ate dinner with my fingers on an ice pack.
The rest of the night I kept my fingers on ice but completely forgot about my foot.
This morning a new day and my fingers have nice burn lines on them but don’t hurt but you know what does… yep, my foot. I was going to hang up some things in my office today maybe I’ll swing and hit my thumb with the hammer. Just kidding (maybe)
Moral of the story… I don’t got one… just some amusement for your morning.
It’s been 6 months or more since I took out my mat. I’ve thought about it several times. Last week, I finally took it out. I started my favorite video and found it surprisingly easy to center and calm myself in the deep breathing. My video starts with 5 mintues of centering mind and body. The rest of the video kicked my butt and I had to modify most poses (I was expecting that). Then because I wanted to show myself I could I proceeded my 25 minute yoga video with a 30 minute dance video. I was sweaty. It felt awesome. The next day brought me lots of shaking off the rust pain. I did take out my mat but knew better than to try and do a video and did loving body stretches instead. The next day I got my mat out and did my video… modifications are my friend and will be for months to come. I was happy that even after some mental hiccups that morning I still came back to the mat.
Day 1
Day 3
Day 2 stretches
So this is where I have a habit… my body rebels. Timing has never been my friend. Having a teenage girl in the house means my monthly cycle can sometimes be way off. I thought I had 2 more weeks to form a routine before resting a week. Ha, nope. So I have been mostly immobile for the past few days. When my cycle is early or late it also tends to be more painful and knocks me down more than it already does. Thankfully I can take time and be nice to my body. Heat, weight and motrin. Sometimes also a husband who pushes a hand into my lower back to relieve some pain.
Today I’m starting to feel like I’m on the other side. I’m eyeing my mat in the corner and wanting to get back to it. Patience. I need to wait another day or 2 so I don’t hurt myself.
Today I’m Celebrating the Small Victories. I am eager to start practicing yoga again. I may have only had 2 (3ish) days of yoga but my mind is ready as soon as my body says it’s okay. I’ve learned that I need to listen to what my body is telling me. I know my journey is long and I will falter and that’s okay.
So here’s to listening to the beat of my own body.
Yesterday’s events had both Scott and I glued to the TV until early this morning, (I fell asleep sometime during the arguing in the house about Pennsylvania). So today has me sluggish, still sad and angry but optimistic that the majority of our senators and representatives respect democracy and the voice of the nation. Something I personally needed to see… not just from what unfolded yesterday but from the past few years.
I wrote last Fall about a nation divided… and unfortunately what we witnessed yesterday has us all realizing just how divided we still are. I saw it in my Facebook feed… friends and loved ones angry and appalled on both sides. I saw others still trying to see the good in the President and unfortunately still spouting his lies.
I’m saddened at where this country has turned. Saddened about a President who doesn’t hold his office with respect. This isn’t just about democrat vs republican, this isn’t just about race or gender, or black lives and blue lives, this isn’t just about religion, this isn’t just about a virus. It’s all of it. You can’t keep thinking it’s one cause… it’s so many.
How do we move forward? Seeing democracy continue last night was a start. I know that I can listen, learn, respect and love. I’m not an expert and never pretend to be but those things seem to be a next step.
It’s no secret that I’m an introvert. The beginning of the pandemic was a nice reprieve for me. No constantly needing to talk to people and make them my friend while in the store and the tiredness that happened after getting home. Being able to take time without people…I was in heaven. I was home. I was reading, doing puzzles, baking, cooking, watching movies and looking after my family all with coffee in hand. It was wonderful.
Sure, as time started to drift on I missed shopping, I missed friends and oh boy did I miss concerts. But it was okay, I was okay. I was never good at the reaching out to people even close friends let alone acquaintances. My fear of no one actually liking me kicking in and why would they… I’m quiet in conversation. That thinking is a dangerous spiral for me and has and can cause some anxiety and fear.
In May when I went back to work I realized that the pandemic had taken its toll on me. The fear of catching covid and the potential of giving it to any of my loved ones and the claustrophobia of mask and glove wearing day in and day out with no sign of reprieve had me in tears and had my body shaking. The 20 years of retail had done it’s toll too. So with Scott reassuring me that we’d financially be okay I left the workforce. Not forever, just for now. And time to give my next career some thought.
The summer brought me wanting to reach out to people… I tried in vain some days… as now I wasn’t working but others were and plus a pandemic had us all scared of doing anything. So I stayed mostly sheltered and stopped reaching out and since people weren’t reaching out to me that must mean they don’t like me… told you can cause some mental blockage.
Not working this Fall has given me the time to focus on helping my teen navigate her Junior year amidst a pandemic. Which is several blog posts in itself. It isn’t easy for a strong willed teen and this passive mom. It isn’t easy when the strong willed teen loses all sense of motivation and can’t get passing grades. It isn’t easy when mom and teen butt heads each day causing tears on each side. When the lies and excuses mount and deciphering where lies end and truth begins is a full time job. It’s also hard on my psyche when I’m already feeling dejected and alone. What I’ve learned is plan. Have a planner… map out assignments and have twice daily check-ins. Plus read through each completed assignment… the turning in of non existing work needs to stop. I’ve also learned she will soar and fail in her own way. Mom can only help guide what she wants me to help with. Sorry, as I said many posts could be written (or have been started many times) about our struggle with school.
When not feeling overwhelmed by my inability to help my teen with school I occupied myself in redecorating and refurbishing different parts of the house and have fleeting thoughts of being a decorator… maybe… starting with friends and family. I like finding new things and imagining where it would fit in the house or space.
My reading and baking went on the wayside for awhile as I felt baking wasn’t as fun and added more calories into our lives (by this point I’d gained 15 pounds since March). Which also didn’t help my self esteem because if I did see an old friend I imagined their thoughts about my weight. Mentally my thoughts weren’t in a good place and that’s hard to overcome. What I’m learning: I don’t like my weight where it is but I’m not doing anything to change it at the moment. So instead of trying to fit into the jeans and feeling sad that I didn’t. I bought a bigger size. It’s not me giving in to being heavier. It’s me realizing this is where I am at the moment and it’s okay. I will get back to yoga or dance at some point but right now I need to feel better about me and that’s having clothes that fit. Which also makes me not as self conscious when I see friends.
I’ve also learned I’m not an online concert person. I tried and did enjoy at the beginning of the year but as the year went on it just reminded me of the things we can’t do… and of times past. Of singing all together… the atmosphere, the energy and of friends. So instead of making me feel alive it was making me feel more sad, more alone and more depressed. A prerecorded concert… that was doable since it wasn’t meant to be live. The theater productions have been pretty awesome too. Mostly because for the theater buff that I am I was maybe lucky to see a show a year so I’ve gotten more this year than most.
I’ve also learned that I don’t like trying to be social through online platforms. I can’t stand having a camera on me. Plus the need to try and hold conversation… which I’m not good at anyway. I’m the person who sits quiet and listens and maybe pipes in occasionally… that introvert side. Plus with lag of internet connections I get overwhelmed and annoyed. It also reminds me further of the lack of togetherness. So I choose not to do those types of things and seclude myself further.
What I need to get better at… cultivating friendships. Yes, I’m horrible at reaching out and then have a hard time with responses of yes, let’s grab coffee soon(I give that response too). But then time goes on and we don’t. So, I’m going to get better at continuing to reach out… step outside that wall I’ve created.
I need to get better at my self worth. It’s hard to not see each fault, each flaw and each shortcoming as a mom, wife, daughter and friend and mold that into who I am… I am more than that. Maybe this year I’ll listen to that. I am more.
With love… I miss you… till coffee can be shared again…
My heart hasn’t been quite into writing recently. Caught up in trying to make the holiday season magical, trying to be an attentive wife to my amazing husband as he continues to work from home and trying to be a supportive and task manager mom to the teen as she continues to struggle with school. And then failing at all the things. The past few weeks I’m not gonna lie… it’s been tough. Last week our house blew up… emotionally. We have worked through most of the turmoil but I also know that this wasn’t the first nor will it be the last. The stressors of pandemic life.
I am not perfect and neither is my family. We all struggle. My teenager who has struggled academically and now is trying to manage school amidst a pandemic. My husband who has the stress of working from home and feeling the pressure of being the only bread winner and working for a startup. Me, trying to define my new role as a stay at home mom and feeling like I’m failing at it. All of us grieving in different ways from the loss of a friend and of a sense of normalcy and missing the “before times”. These things amongst a pandemic life is a lot.
And yet, I feel lucky. Lucky that we’ve stayed healthy. As many are dealing with loss… Loss of a loved one, Covid or non-covid related. Loss of a job and the uncertainty of how to provide. Loss of housing and a fear of having shelter. Loss of togetherness. I’m lucky.
Things I’m learning in this process… Grace, Patience… so much patience. And Love. Surround your house, your friends and neighbors with encompassing Love. We all have found burdens we never thought we needed to bear. Some of us feel broken and miss the closeness of friends and family. And some of us have seen the tipping point and still are trying to tread through the muck and feel like we’re drowning. Please know you are not alone, there is a light… however far off it might feel.
Rain turns to snow. I laid in bed in the middle of the night listening to the fall of rain. A sound that I almost forgot. The heavy thuds as they hit the roof, the pings as it fell in the gutters. The sound of rushing water as it flowed down the street. I stayed up listening and reflecting… and being poetic.
I’ve now been watching the snow as it falls for the last few years as it slows to a stop. It’s peaceful in a different way… not as dramatic… but more magical. How each flake swirls and makes it way towards the ground. It’s also this time of year… where magic seems possible. This year more than others the want and need for magic and hope and love seems to electrify and hang in the air.
What is going to bring you hope or magic today? Me, some more coffee and more nature watching.
Saturday coffee’s are the best coffee’s. Really, it’s true. Something about the whole house sleeping in a little later than normal.
The smell might even be lighter, sweeter and make things a little more brighter and lively. It’s not made any different than any other day but maybe those days I find the strong scents to get me through the day.
This morning has been a struggle… my eyes are sleepy and I’m exhausted which means I’m freezing. It doesn’t help that it’s overcast. I’m hoping now with this cup I can find the energy that’s been just out of reach all morning. I have things on my to-do list…but really nothing seems that important besides warmth and closing my eyes… but need to do things… but eyes sleepy… want blanket snuggles… the struggle is real folks.
And the blanket snuggles win… at least for the moment. Maybe I’ll find warmth… maybe.
I found motivation in my first cup today. As in, I didn’t drink all of my first cup before I was doing things. And by the second cup I had emptied all trash cans and got trash out to the curb and picked up and dusted the living room. I also started planning Thanksgiving dinner.
Short winded motivation… just about the time I got settled on the couch with my laptop to finish up Christmas cards and letter and finish meal planning that motivation was gone and I was super cold.
Hopefully… now 2 hours later I can get going again with more coffee in hand. I want to finalize Christmas cards and get them ordered today. For anyone that doesn’t know… this is my first year I’ve done Christmas cards in 11 years… there might have been a year I did send cards… but if I can’t remember it… well, it didn’t happen. Yep.
Also, I love this cookbook…
We bought it at a book fair years ago at Ashlynn’s school. There’s so many yummy recipes and craft/gift ideas. It’s my go to book when baking and finding tasty sides and drink recipes. It makes me sad as I flip through and find ideas for holiday parties and then realize that we can’t do a party. Hopefully next year. I’m already having fun with theme ideas in my head. Ok, back to the real world again. Otherwise I’ll keep going down the rabbit hole and never get things done… plus, I need more coffee.
The day after snow falls and flocks the trees and ground… the beauty that abounds as the sun wakes up and glistens off the branches is memorizing. I could watch for hours.
I found amusement this morning as I picked my mug… a snow flocked landscape to match a snow flocked outside. I love these cups… I have way too many of them… 11… once a set of 12 and belonged to my grandparents. As I drink coffee from it I realize how truly tiny the cups are… coffee sizes have changed over the years and we typically in this house drink from much bigger mugs. These mugs are usually used for milk and cookies or hot cider. My grandma used them for her “cocktails” cranberry juice or similar to take with her pills. I don’t remember her drinking coffee… I think by the time I was spending time with her she had stopped drinking it…or maybe I was way to entertained by the “cocktails ” so my brain only remembers that.
But today’s “cocktail” is coffee with a little too much cream…don’t judge… it’s a tiny cup and I’m having trouble estimating how much cream. Anyway, I think she’d approve.
